How to survive a break up.
If you are reading post, you’re almost certainly going through one of the toughest experiences that life can throw at you, and it doesn’t make it any easier to know that thousands, if not millions of people are going through the very same process as we speak.
You might feel like no one else can be as utterly devastated as you are now. That no one else could have had such an amazing connection as you had with your ex partner. Or even that some cruel twist of fate has ripped you away from the person you were ‘meant to be with’.
It’s important to bear in mind that people deal with things in different ways and have different belief systems. Some people believe that everything happens for a reason, no matter how heart wrenchingly horrendous and unfair they might seem at the time. Trust the process, and you will end up where you are meant to be and who you are meant to be with. If a relationship ended, they weren’t the person for you, no matter how much you wanted them to be.
Some people believe that there is no such thing as fate, that as we go through life we meet several people that we have a shared chemistry with and it’s about deciding if you are compatible enough to stand the test of time. They believe that ‘love’ is just a scientific biological response to hormones and endorphins triggered by the other partner.
I personally believe a little of both. I hope that everything happens for a reason (else someone up there is having a real good laugh at me!) , but I also believe that love is fickle so even though you might think you’ve found the one, actually there are lots of people out there that you could fall just as in love with.
Either way, it doesn’t make the pain any easier to deal with, buy I promise it DOES get better in time.
My long term partner left me earlier this year after a rocky few months and I felt like the world had literally come to an end. The week before he was saying that life wasn’t worth living without me and that I was his soulmate, and next thing I knew he said he didn’t feel the same and he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore. I was still so hopelessly in love with him that my heart felt like it had been ripped into a thousand pieces. I couldn’t eat, sleep or function for weeks. But over time, many many snotty tissues, bottles of vodka and sessions crying hysterically in the shower (or anywhere the whim hit me for that matter) things started to improve. Or I feel it’s more accurate to say, I became numb to it.
I could function as a semi normal member of society again and I was able to distract myself. I thought less about the person I fell in love with and more and more about the shitty person he actually was when he wanted to be. The debt he was drowning in (even though he wore a Rolex-I mean seriously what a prick!), the mental instability, the temper, the lying, the horrendous mother in law, the arrogance...and more importantly the shitty way he’d made me feel towards the end of our relationship. I realised I spent far too long in what had become a toxic relationship, clinging onto the person that he ‘used to be’.
As time passed on, it felt like I was experiencing ripples from an event more than the crashing riptide of the freshly broken heart. I won’t lie to you and say that things consistently got better, sometimes out of nowhere a wave of longing and sadness would hit. A milestone was reached or a memory dragged up and for a day or two I found it hard to remember the bad things. My poor shower would hear me howling once again.
I feel it’s important to explain here too that despite the end we were very happy together for a long time, and in that time we were really close friends as well a partners. We had some incredible times, laughter, adventures and before things deteriorated he treated me better than anyone before, so it was easy to get sucked into the past and romanticise things when I was feeling low.
The tough reality is there is no quick fix to heart ache. There are however things you can do to be as healthy as possible, mentally and physically through the process and to help you move on as quickly as realistically possible.
So here goes!
My break up survival kit.
1. PLEASE REMEMBER this will not last forever (if Jennifer Anniston can get over Brad Pitt leaving her for slag tits Angelina Jolie-you can get over this jerk!)
2. Allow yourself a grace period to grieve and wallow, but don’t let it consume you for too long. If you find that even after several weeks you are struggling to function, it might be worth seeking some professional help and there is NO shame in this.
3. Keep yourself busy. When I broke up with my ex I felt almost scared to stop at the end of the day, because this is when I would start to feel the loss again and the loneliness would creep in. Throw yourself into anything that benefits you. Work, gym. Socialising or anything that you enjoy.
4. Surround yourself with loved ones. As I’ve just said, spending time on your own can be hard after a break up, this is completely natural when you’re used to spending so much time with someone else. See friends and family often, kip on their sofas if you have to, but don’t suffer in silence or on your own. The silver lining for me was that I actually became super close with my sister, she was my rock and knew she wouldn’t get sick of me sobbing on her shoulder (the perks of being tied together for life eh).
5. Don’t obsess over what ifs. This is a tricky one, we all do it! From imaginary scenarios to scrutinising what happened and what you could have done differently. It’s importang to try and accept that you may never have all the answers, and that’s okay. The bottom line is, knowing the ins and outs won’t change anything and it won’t make it easier to move on...it may even end up hurting you more!
6. Don’t torture yourself. Don’t think about them with someone else at first, this will only torment you and make things 100x worse. In time, you will become more accepting of the fact that you will BOTH be with other people. But there is no need to cross that bridge until you come to it.
7. Look after yourself. Do the little things that make you feel good. Change your hair or get into shape...nothing helps a broken heart like a glow up. But try do it for YOU if you can, not to show them what they’re missing. Use that pain to drive you to be the best version of yourself.
8. Plan things to look forward too. Holidays, concerts or even just the cinema...try to always have something good in the pipeline.
9. Ride the wave. The process will be full of ups and downs, this is all normal so try to embrace them rather than avoid feeling the pain of it comes. It’s not a step back it’s just a ripple.
10. REMOVE THEM FROM YOUR LIFE. This one is in capitals because I cannot stress enough how mentally damaging it is to look up your ex on social media. Delete and block if it’s the one thing you do for yourself, please!!
11. And finally, forgive yourself. This one is probably the most important one of all. Don’t be harsh on yourself for giving the person you love chances or being ‘too soft’. This makes you a kind and loving person. Forgive yourself for allowing them to treat you badly, you did what you thought was best for you at the time and at least you can walk away knowing you tried everything you could to make it work.
You might feel like no one else can be as utterly devastated as you are now. That no one else could have had such an amazing connection as you had with your ex partner. Or even that some cruel twist of fate has ripped you away from the person you were ‘meant to be with’.
It’s important to bear in mind that people deal with things in different ways and have different belief systems. Some people believe that everything happens for a reason, no matter how heart wrenchingly horrendous and unfair they might seem at the time. Trust the process, and you will end up where you are meant to be and who you are meant to be with. If a relationship ended, they weren’t the person for you, no matter how much you wanted them to be.
Some people believe that there is no such thing as fate, that as we go through life we meet several people that we have a shared chemistry with and it’s about deciding if you are compatible enough to stand the test of time. They believe that ‘love’ is just a scientific biological response to hormones and endorphins triggered by the other partner.
I personally believe a little of both. I hope that everything happens for a reason (else someone up there is having a real good laugh at me!) , but I also believe that love is fickle so even though you might think you’ve found the one, actually there are lots of people out there that you could fall just as in love with.
Either way, it doesn’t make the pain any easier to deal with, buy I promise it DOES get better in time.
My long term partner left me earlier this year after a rocky few months and I felt like the world had literally come to an end. The week before he was saying that life wasn’t worth living without me and that I was his soulmate, and next thing I knew he said he didn’t feel the same and he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore. I was still so hopelessly in love with him that my heart felt like it had been ripped into a thousand pieces. I couldn’t eat, sleep or function for weeks. But over time, many many snotty tissues, bottles of vodka and sessions crying hysterically in the shower (or anywhere the whim hit me for that matter) things started to improve. Or I feel it’s more accurate to say, I became numb to it.
I could function as a semi normal member of society again and I was able to distract myself. I thought less about the person I fell in love with and more and more about the shitty person he actually was when he wanted to be. The debt he was drowning in (even though he wore a Rolex-I mean seriously what a prick!), the mental instability, the temper, the lying, the horrendous mother in law, the arrogance...and more importantly the shitty way he’d made me feel towards the end of our relationship. I realised I spent far too long in what had become a toxic relationship, clinging onto the person that he ‘used to be’.
As time passed on, it felt like I was experiencing ripples from an event more than the crashing riptide of the freshly broken heart. I won’t lie to you and say that things consistently got better, sometimes out of nowhere a wave of longing and sadness would hit. A milestone was reached or a memory dragged up and for a day or two I found it hard to remember the bad things. My poor shower would hear me howling once again.
I feel it’s important to explain here too that despite the end we were very happy together for a long time, and in that time we were really close friends as well a partners. We had some incredible times, laughter, adventures and before things deteriorated he treated me better than anyone before, so it was easy to get sucked into the past and romanticise things when I was feeling low.
The tough reality is there is no quick fix to heart ache. There are however things you can do to be as healthy as possible, mentally and physically through the process and to help you move on as quickly as realistically possible.
So here goes!
My break up survival kit.
1. PLEASE REMEMBER this will not last forever (if Jennifer Anniston can get over Brad Pitt leaving her for slag tits Angelina Jolie-you can get over this jerk!)
2. Allow yourself a grace period to grieve and wallow, but don’t let it consume you for too long. If you find that even after several weeks you are struggling to function, it might be worth seeking some professional help and there is NO shame in this.
3. Keep yourself busy. When I broke up with my ex I felt almost scared to stop at the end of the day, because this is when I would start to feel the loss again and the loneliness would creep in. Throw yourself into anything that benefits you. Work, gym. Socialising or anything that you enjoy.
4. Surround yourself with loved ones. As I’ve just said, spending time on your own can be hard after a break up, this is completely natural when you’re used to spending so much time with someone else. See friends and family often, kip on their sofas if you have to, but don’t suffer in silence or on your own. The silver lining for me was that I actually became super close with my sister, she was my rock and knew she wouldn’t get sick of me sobbing on her shoulder (the perks of being tied together for life eh).
5. Don’t obsess over what ifs. This is a tricky one, we all do it! From imaginary scenarios to scrutinising what happened and what you could have done differently. It’s importang to try and accept that you may never have all the answers, and that’s okay. The bottom line is, knowing the ins and outs won’t change anything and it won’t make it easier to move on...it may even end up hurting you more!
6. Don’t torture yourself. Don’t think about them with someone else at first, this will only torment you and make things 100x worse. In time, you will become more accepting of the fact that you will BOTH be with other people. But there is no need to cross that bridge until you come to it.
7. Look after yourself. Do the little things that make you feel good. Change your hair or get into shape...nothing helps a broken heart like a glow up. But try do it for YOU if you can, not to show them what they’re missing. Use that pain to drive you to be the best version of yourself.
8. Plan things to look forward too. Holidays, concerts or even just the cinema...try to always have something good in the pipeline.
9. Ride the wave. The process will be full of ups and downs, this is all normal so try to embrace them rather than avoid feeling the pain of it comes. It’s not a step back it’s just a ripple.
10. REMOVE THEM FROM YOUR LIFE. This one is in capitals because I cannot stress enough how mentally damaging it is to look up your ex on social media. Delete and block if it’s the one thing you do for yourself, please!!
11. And finally, forgive yourself. This one is probably the most important one of all. Don’t be harsh on yourself for giving the person you love chances or being ‘too soft’. This makes you a kind and loving person. Forgive yourself for allowing them to treat you badly, you did what you thought was best for you at the time and at least you can walk away knowing you tried everything you could to make it work.
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